The Great Attempt

[Note: If Mark Steyn can shamelessly recycle old material, then I can too. Mrs. The Burly Gates and I just celebrated our second year of marriage, so it is with joy that I submit the courtship/engagement story that I sent around to my friends that were thoroughly in the dark-- which was all of them.]

Well fortunately for all of us the day has finally come that I get to be in one place for more than a few hours and that I get sustained internet connectivity. I think I wrote a sentence or two last week saying that I was on the road playing [__] shows throughout the Northeast and the upper Midwest. Well that all ended Saturday night in Charlotte, NC, and we drove straight back up to VA where I picked up JLB and drove to Baltimore, MD to hop on a 10:30 Sunday morning flight to her hometown of Tulsa, OK. You think you know what 'culture' and 'hip' are, but you don't. Tulsa does. But you are exactly right in deducing that since I'm in her hometown I must be 'meeting the family.' The 2 days here have been really great and I don't think anyone hates me. But all of this is putting the cart before the horse, as it were, since yall are still wondering how we got here to begin with. Oh yeah, when the [___] was in NYC I got to skate through Times Square traffic and I saw Jeff Daniels in a music store and I thanked him for being awesome.

Anyway,

about the Advent of Us. It all started on April 26th, 2002, on a deaf and mute date (not blind, because we'd seen each other before) that our friend KT set us up on. The event was our school's 'Jr/Sr banquet,' and neither of us wanted to go. But we did, and we ended up having a really good time. No big deal. So after that we were nominal friends, hanging out here and there in general friend settings with others like X, Y, Z, etc. After a year of this we had become better friends, naturally. That's when I left to hike the AT. We kept in good touch while I was gone, and I was always really psyched to get postcards and such from her even though we were always 'just friends' (by default- it's not that we'd talked about anything of that nature).

Well she was spending the summer at her stepmom's in N. VA, and she came to hang out with me one night when when I was going through there on the trail. Possibly detecting affections for me that Jenny herself didn't know she had, her stepmom asked her what we were gonna do together, "just sit around giggling and blushing?", which was a prospect that Jenny flatly denied. But then it turned out that night as we were eating at Pizza Hut that in a specific instance Jenny became aware of some form of 'like' or 'love' or desire to be with me, though she very wisely and maturely said or made nothing of this for the 8 months that followed. So we kept keeping in touch throughout the trail and my 2 months at home, mostly through (awesome and cherished) emails and postcards and whatnot. Then when I moved back up I made a weekly habit of hanging out with her and Kristen on Sunday afternoons, since I was commuting back to Lynchburg from Charlottesville for church. Well this whole time- especially through the fall and winter of '03- I knew rationally that she was an amazingly beautiful saint of a woman that I thought would have no reason to be with me. I thought that if somehow she did ever want to be with me, that she would in fact be a perfect wife, mother, and best friend. Then as time went on, I thought that maybe she did want to be with me but a handful of my irrationalities, cynicisms, and hangups were making it impossible for me to act or even to want to act on starting something with her. Sounds kinda fruity, I know. But it's true.

So this is the state we were in from roughly September '03 to February '04- one of a solidly growing and deepening friendship, honestly come by and built on the realities of who and what each of us was as opposed to some false self that was propped up in the name of putting one's 'best foot forward' in that whole silliness called the Dating Game; a state where she liked and wanted to be with me but couldn't tell if I was nice and sweet to her because I liked her too or because I was like that with everybody; a state where I knew she was perfect but yet could not want to be with her; and apparently this was all a state where everyone around us knew we were really into each other and that we would end up together despite the fact that we made no pretenses or airs of being together. I suppose that there was some Spirit among and between Us.

And so Ricardo, knowing all these things, was constantly asking me whether or not Jenny and I had "talked" yet, and I was always saying no but that I wanted to at sometime. I wanted us to talk about whatever it was that was going on because it got to a point where I was definitely sensing this positive vibe between us, and I knew that just going on forever in this state of friends-maybe-hoping-for-more would be unwise and destructive. But I was stalling the conversation because the only outcome I could possibly imagine was one where I affirmed my desire to want to want her, but this self-erected Wall of separation around me was effectively cutting me off from everyone around me- including her. I was at a point where I could not even fathom actually and fully loving someone and pursuing depth and connection and intimacy with anyone. I thought the whole game of Love and Relationships was absurd, and a crutch for weak persons who couldn't 'man up' and go it alone. So given all this, it just didn't make any sense to me to initiate the Talk because that would've just messed up the good, no-nonsense friendship that we had. Plus, we weren't acting or talking like we were anything more anyway, so what's the point and where's the good in making an issue out of a non-issue?

Then came Sunday, February 8th. I was sitting in her living room and listening to her talk to her friend/sister-in-law Ellen about some boy who'd been leading their friend Christen S. on and not telling her his "intentions," and just being generally lame and stuff. Well the whole time Jenny was telling this story I thought she was talking in code to me, trying to communicate to me "hey, you're kinda doing this too." "What are your intentions?" etc. And instantaneously- right then and there, and despite every single (known) dimension of myself which, given even a second to rebut, would've been in vehement opposition- two thoughts, rather Truths, permeated my being as I sat there on her couch: 1) was that I was not leaving that night without talking to her about Us, and 2) that we HAD to be together.

What?! how could those thoughts have possibly arisen from my cold and isolated self? The same self that even that very morning could not imagine the idea of being in a relationship? Given all that was given, Divine Inspiration and Providence is the only possible answer- even down to the fact that what I was interpreting as a pre-planned setting to tell a story "to Ellen" while really telling me in code to tighten up was actually just some innocuous story that Jenny had no idea I was listening to. So that very night at 1:53 am as we were sitting alone at her dining room table I initiated a 2+ hour long conversation in which we affirmed that we both really wanted to make a Great Attempt at togetherness; that W would be our goals and X would be our parameters and Y&Z would be the foundation upon which we would build Us- with Christ as our Cornerstone, to be sure; and that whatever it was exactly that we had and were building, that it was admittedly and desirably serious from the very beginning. We already knew each other in very real, true, and organic ways, so there was no reason be kids about this. Neither of us talked of marriage that night, but we were both thinking it.

"So what about all that rubbish going on inside you?", you ask. Well, that very night, as I left for Charlottesville at 4:30 am, I had an ineffable Peace coursing through my entire person. The whole wall that I'd so carefully built around myself one brick at a time had once and for all been breached by Christ Himself-- and He brought Jenny through with Him. All the hangups and strongholds were gone immediately. Completely. For good. And now in just the same way that I could not even fathom being with her or anyone else, I cannot fathom not being with her, nor can I imagine being with anyone else. The Old Paradox became reality: on that Sunday when Christ pushed me into all of this because He knew that I would not and could not venture in by my own will, when He said "you don't think you want this or can have this, but you do and you can. Deal with it.", when my life was finally laid down to myself, Christ Himself raised it to a glorious resurrection through and with Jenny-Lynn Bragg. I have been Redeemed, and I will say So.

The next two weeks were spent drinking coffee and taking wonderfully long and aimless drives through the countryside and mountains of central Virginia as Jenny and I set off to explore the new frontiers of each other's heart, mind, and soul. It was in this vast expanse of our newfound togetherness that each of us truly took shape and multi-dimension, for we had broken through into a whole new realm of co-existence and connection (metaphysically speaking, that is). So with all this as the context, it only makes sense that what happened next happened next; and so soon.

We were sitting on her couch one night after we'd effectively condensed ages of communication into two weeks (plus two years), and I was singing as true the lyrics to the Beach Boys song: "wouldn't it be nice if we were older / and we wouldn't have to wait so long," when Jenny reminded me that, "well, we are 24," and right then and there the talk became about, well, how long do we have to wait to be married? No hand-wringing or anguish. No years of breaking up and getting back together. No despairing or seasons of trying to "figure things out." No. Nothing but the long, easy road,-- the light burden-- to surefooted Fact. We both just knew. Knew as surely as either of us had ever known anything. And we still do, and we will always choose to. No matter what.

This is the story of our Great Attempt.

Remember Barrels

"[General George] Washington also wanted barrels filled with earth set in rows in front of the parapets, to add to the appearance of strength, but more importantly to stand ready to be rolled down the steep slopes on the advancing enemy [at Dorchester Heights, Boston]. He had 'a very high opinion of the defense which may be made with barrels,' he told Artemus Ward, stressing that the hoops should be well nailed so the barrels would not break to pieces. [...]

On Saturday evening, March 2, Washington wrote in haste to Ward that everything must be set and ready to go as planned on Monday night, March 4. After folding and sealing the note, he scrawled on the back, 'Remember barrels.'" (David McCullough, 1776, pp.89-91.)

No Matter Whatchoo Tryin' to Bugress in Life, You Can Succeed

I can't believe that this video exists online for all to see, and it's blowing my mind that I get to spend another day with Darrell when I thought that he was gone from my life for good. But I should just get straight to the link, because I don't think any words exist that could possibly add to the experience that is about to be yours. Therefore, it is with the utmost privilege that I introduce you to Darrell Bluett in World of Pictures...

[Note: It appears that this video is rather abridged, so the hype may seem a bit unwarranted. But still.]

Life Imitates the Onion

"Oh, my gosh, I am so starving. I swear, if I don't get something to eat in like two minutes, I am going to die. I cannot believe how completely famished I am. Why do we have to wait for Tyler to get home from soccer practice? I want to eat now. It's almost 6:15."
vs.
"My God, I am starving. If I do not find something to eat soon, I will surely die. Hunger consumes my life. My young body is hunched and weak, as if I were an old man. Some days, I pass the time by counting my bones."--Onion, Point Counterpoint: I Am So Starving vs. I Am So Starving, Dec. 16, 1998


"She hadn't eaten all day and was 'starving,' [Paris] Hilton explained. So the one-time pitchwoman for Carl's Jr. said she decided to visit a neighborhood In-N-Out burger stand. 'So maybe I was speeding a little bit and I got pulled over,' she said, denying that she was driving recklessly. 'I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an In-N-Out burger,' she said."--CNN, Sept. 8, 2006

Above All Earthly Pow'rs

Please do yourself a favor and read this interview with David Wells (the DW that thinks and writes, not pitch). His words are especially and ironically "relevant" in light of the recent WSJ front-page story about the stir and splits that conversions to the "Purpose-Driven" church model are causing. It seems to me that when a church locally or the Church broadly decides that it's a good and proper thing to engineer its liturgy with the pleasure and comfort of the "seeker" as it's primary objective, that nothing but danger can possibly lie ahead. There are most certainly rocks under that Slip N' Slide.

And since I know that for you, kind reader, buying books is a matter of which and not whether (y'know, that line-item in your budget that's right below "Tithe" and above "Rent"), you should do yourself the further service of buying Wells's recent book, "Above All Earthly Pow'rs," which is available from your new favorite online bookstore.

He Is Risen, Indeed!

Maybe I'm just getting too acclimated to life here in Charlottesville "Following Truth Wherever it Leads, and it Always Leads Left!" Virginia, but every time I see this bumper sticker I can't help but to rejoin with "Christ is risen, indeed!"

I guess the fact that that is my instinctive response suggests that I'm making progress towards cultivating an enjoyment of the incremental victories; that if they are going to affirm the central truth of the Apostles' Creed-- the resurrected isness of Christ-- for the sake of bolstering their blue politics, then I say God bless 'em. Hey, if the Lord has spoken through the mouth of an ass before, why can't He do it again!

In Fact, I'm Cowardly

Dufayel: Is she in love with him?
Amelie: Yes.
D: I think it's time she took a real risk.
A: She might. She's devising a strategem.
D: She's fond of stratagems.
A: Yes.
D: In fact, she's cowardly.

It's true-- like Amelie, I too am a coward. Not when it comes to everything, necessarily (the other day I pursued and caught a cricket in our apartment, for example), but at least in the sense that I typically find it easier (and safer) to plan, organize, and schematize my thoughts in my moleskin rather than subject them to this rough and dirty external world, where I just might fall and scrape my knees. But that's just the point: when I was a kid, the blood running down my shins more often than not meant that I was having fun and doing something totally rad.

So with the training wheels now on the shelf in the garage and my imitation Reeboks tightly velcroed, I will wobble my way down the road towards the sun of bright, new things. And if I end up in the ditch instead, muddy and bruised? Well that'll just make the ride all the more fun...